Grief Resources
Grief in elementary school aged children
Death is a part of life. While society may try to avoid talking about death around children in order to protect them, it has been shown that children are able to understand death and are often curious. This curiosity allows for meaningful conversations between adults and children to occur. Avoiding talking about death with children can lead to confusion about why the death occurred, fear that they did something to cause the death or anxiety that they may die in the future. Having a child understand death also allows for the child to build resilience towards loss when they are older. In fact, not talking about death is the most influential situational factor that keeps children from resolving their grief and adapting to the loss. It is important that when talking to a child about grief the adult is direct and uses simple language. For example, it is not helpful to say “they are sleeping and will not wake up,” as this can cause more confusion and fear as children may fear that they will not wake up when they go to sleep.
It is important to understand that children do not think the same way as adults. Usually, it is not until around age 7 that children understand cause-and-effect and can apply logic to events. In younger children, words are taken literally with less understanding of spiritual concepts until the child gets older. Young children may also have difficulty understanding the permanence of death. In elementary age, children are starting to grow in their range of emotions and are learning to express themselves. It is important to note that while many adults may hide feelings they are experiencing with grief from children, adults expressing emotions in a healthy way gives children an opportunity to learn about and express their own emotions.
Symptoms of grief in children include:
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"Cycling through emotions. This can mean that the child cries one minute, then plays the next
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acting out feelings rather than talking
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changes in eating, sleeping and behaviour patterns
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wanting to sleep in bed with an adult
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displaying younger behaviours such as wetting the bed or sucking their thumb
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being angry, frustrated and restless
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lacking concentration and energy at school
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feeling responsible for their parents.
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Sharing grief with children
Even at a very young age, children can sense and experience grief. They will be aware if their caregivers or other adults are sad or having difficulties with a particular situation. Sharing your feelings of sadness and loss with a child can help them understand why you are sad and see that it is alright to be sad and to express sadness.
Death can also cause children to worry about their caregivers or themselves dying. Reassure them that everyone is safe and make sure that they are cared for during times of grief.
It is important to remain open and willing to talk about the various experiences of loss and grief. As children grow and develop, they will have different reactions to grief. A child who doesn’t react to or talk about a death or significant loss in the early stages may want to talk about it later or may show their interest and feelings in play rather than discussion.” (Department of Health & Human Services, n.d.)
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What you can do to talk about grief with a child
“While it can be difficult to talk to a child about death, it is important to be honest with them and help them to understand what has happened.
Some suggestions include:
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Tell the truth in a simple, direct way.
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Use concrete words that children know – for example, say ‘died’ rather than ‘passed away’.
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If the child is quite young, it may help to use pictures, storybooks, toys and play to explain what has happened and how they feel.
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Explore with children the meaning they may make out of the situation. This may include spiritual and cultural beliefs and practices.
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Children are curious, so be prepared for regular and repeated questions. Be clear and honest with your responses.
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If you are too distressed to answer your child’s questions, ask another adult that you and the child trust to talk to the child.
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Don’t pretend that you are not sad – express your feelings to your child. This can help your child feel able to express their own feelings.”
(Department of Health & Human Services, n.d.)
If your child is experiencing difficulty that is impacting their life it is helpful to get outside support from a professional. Consider talking to a pediatrician or having your child work with a therapist, especially a therapist that has knowledge of grief in children.
Information for this section were drawn from the following sources.
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References
Blueford, J. M., & Pinto, S. A. (2024). Culturally competent grief counselling for elementary school students. In The Routledge International Handbook of Child and Adolescent grief in Contemporary Contexts (1st ed., Vol. 1, pp. 39–52). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003221692-6
Danielson, K., & Colman, H. (2024). Supporting Children Through Grief: A Content Analysis of Picturebooks About Death. Early Childhood Education Journal, 52(7), 1413–1422. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10643-023-01529-0
Department of Health & Human Services. (n.d.). Grief and children. Better Health Channel. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/grief-and-children
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(Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this section are for educational purposes only. They are the opinion of the author and are not meant to be taken as professional advice. For professional advice consult a pediatrician or children's grief therapist)